Sunday, December 23, 2012

Wrapping up all things 2012

Good evening everyone.

It's been.... 1 year and 2 months since I last updated this blog. I don't think I have any readers, so... Good evening, myself. How are you? How's life treating you? So much has changed since I last wrote on here. So much.

Much like the last post recapping the months that had gone by, I'll write a new list again.

But before I do, just want to reflect where I was 1.5+ years ago when I first started this blog. It was meant to serve as a way for me to "drain, focus, and dispel" any thoughts I was having. At that time in my life, I was most definitely in a bad place.  I had fallen "in love" / obsession with someone that was ultimately very wrong for me. It became toxic, and it consumed me completely.  I was jobless, loveless, and most definitely depressed.  My way of coping was to write, seek help of a friend who's a psychiatrist, and become more active with my life. Each of these had changed me in some way. And the Oct 2011 post found here reflects those changes. I wrote less (because I didn't need to focus my energy that way), I became more active, and I sought help.  Since then, it's been over a year. And much has happened indeed.

The Love Life -- What? Who knew I'd have one!

  • Winter (Jan / Feb) - Admittedly I can't remember much. I started talking to a gamer friend's at-the-time-online-gf to get to know her and see if she was a good fit for my friend. She was cool and very friendly. When they got into arguments, my friend, Jane, would ask me for advice. I'd do my best to keep them together since they seemed happy when they were.  Unfortunately they broke up sometime around March...
  • Mid-winter and early Spring (Mar / Apr) - The now-ex, whom we shall call Sammy, and I continued to talk. I also continued to talk with my friend. It was a shame they couldn't be together, but ultimately they weren't for each other.  We all still played the game together though. Sammy and I became close, but due to our age difference and the "bro code" I couldn't think of her any more than just as a friend. But...Mutual feelings started to develop. By end of April we knew that we liked each other.
  • May - Sammy and my covert relationship was budding. I was really falling for her. We felt bad because we broke all sorts of the "bro code," even though this was just an online relationship. Sammy was never a fan of long-distance relationships because of the hardships of keeping things fresh and real. But, we'd spend so much time together on the phone or by text. We'd fall asleep on the phone together so many nights at a time. I tried to refuse my feelings for her thru all this. I didn't want to fall in love again. I didn't want to be broken-hearted and dive into a depression like I had previously. I was afraid of relationships. But I was falling hard. By the end of the month we both said the big words "I love you," and made our relationship official.
  • June - We had told Jane about the relationship, asking if it was OK. Jane said yes and that she didn't care since she was trying to get back with her on/off ex. God, this sounds like a teen-drama. This makes me sound like an asshole, but that ex also was my ex (the toxic one, in a very secret and short-lived relationship).  No, I didn't steal Sammy or that ex from Jane. No, I didn't pursue them because they were (at one point) with Jane. The ex ended up pursuing me; Sammy's and mine was mutual happenstance.  Regardless. Jane decided, after a while, that she no longer wanted to associate herself with me. In fact, she'd be more than happy if I prolly dropped dead. In her mind, she was convinced that I stole Sammy from her.  And yet she continually spoke with Sammy, not-so-secretly trying to win her back.
  • Summer (Jul / Aug) - The summer was spent with Sammy. We talked just about every day - for her drive to work, for our drive home from our work. At night before bed. Just about every day we spoke with each other. And during the times we didn't, we texted or played our game together. We talked about what our future would be like together. We had similar backgrounds and similar family situations. Call it naïveté, call it what you will.  We spoke of the future a lot. We spoke about potentially meeting for Christmas and New Years. To be able to kiss each other when the ball dropped. I was getting more and more attached.  I told her I wanted to meet her. She only lived a few hrs away from my sister. I could use that as an excuse and visit. If only she'd say OK. She eventually did. The trip was planned for September.
  • September - The month flew by quickly. The trip to visit Sammy was scheduled for the end of the month.  I visited her for 4 days, and they were the best days I've had in a long time. She actually met my sister (we drove up to visit her during one of the days), and it went exceedingly well. Things looked great. I had met someone I could be completely comfortable with. It was a first for me. Here was this beautiful woman who was in love with me for who I was and for how I looked. I never thought it was possible. I thought I'd have found the one. This trip was amazing. I didn't want to leave. But I had to come home. 
  • October - And then October happened. After I left, she started to hang out with her friends more often and stayed busy socially. We slowly stopped talking on the phone as much. We texted a lot less often. I got confused and didn't know why this was happening. She said it was because she's been having a very active social life and hasn't been sleeping at home lately.  She said she needed space. She needed space. Because 2000 miles wasn't enough.  I tried to understand.  Everyone was on her side, telling me to give her the space she needed. But you know what? "I need space" just means I automatically build my wall and start protecting myself. How could I leave my guard down? Here she was having fun and I was home trying to get thru the day missing her a lot. The first few weeks of October were the worst for me.  I couldn't understand how an amazing trip flipped upside down and having a conversation with Sammy saying she needed more space.  Around then my work schedule had me busy so my drives consisted of me crying on my way to and from work just about every day.  At my worst, I thought Sammy was with someone else, that the other person caught her eye and she wanted to kind of see how that played out instead.  But every indication said she wasn't, and she was honest if anything. Maybe not tactful, but she was honest. By the end of the month, I  told her how she wasn't ever around, and she knew she wasn't. By then, things were broken for me.
  • November - Some time in this month we called it quits. It was mostly mutual. We still had strong feelings for each other. Maybe not love per se, but we did have feelings. We didn't talk as much though. She said she wanted to get her life together. Be able to get a (better) job and move out of the house and away from her overbearing father.  She would always text me when she was lonely at home or stuck having to deal with her father.  We would occasionally talk on the phone.  Her best friend said that she still loves me, that tho she doesn't show it, she still had pictures of us on her phone and iPod. She mentioned that she felt like she couldn't live up to my expectations. I told her the only one I wanted was for us to be together. Maybe the weight of it was something she couldn't handle.
  • December - We've been talking a bit more than before. For a while, we'd almost talk every day, much like before. I asked if we would ever get back together. She said right now, no, but in the future, maybe. It's definitely love for each other. Definitely not "in love" like before.  Occasionally she'll blurt out an "I love you," and it still makes my heart feel like its high as a kite.  I definitely haven't gotten over her. And tho she's not perfect, and I'll be completely selfish by saying this, she made me feel like me. I could let down all my guards with her, and I miss that the most. Just the fact that there was someone that accepted me and saw me for who I was and was IN LOVE with me. Yeah, I miss that. I miss holding her. I miss how she said my name. How she'd make me giggle and laugh. I miss her breathing.  I miss her even now.  Is it bad for me to not want to let that go?  Christmas and New Years alone. Again.

OK, let me take a breather here.

The Work Life -- Ugh, work.

  • The First Half (Jan - May) - Work was work. I had a go-to group of people I could each lunch with. Things weren't bad, but I was bored. Then I became an Assistant Test Director (ATD) to a huge and upcoming project near the end of May.
  • Summer (Jun - Sept) - My life as ATD was pretty boring. There wasn't much to be done at the time except for some late night testing sessions. Had a couple of new employees start that were around my age. They weren't married and didn't have children. I could relate a bit better with them. Started hanging out with them (at work) more frequently than my "usual" group.  
  • October - Heavier testing started around here. The major test for the project was pushed back to November, affecting everyone's projects.  People scrambling. I'm mostly unaffected since my mind is elsewhere (on Sammy).  As ATD I help represent the project coordination team, so I'm at a lot of early morning or late night testing sessions. It helps keep me busy.  Dress rehearsal for the major testing are the last 2 weeks of October, including a last-minute Saturday session.
  • November - Pretty much the entire month was dedicated to this testing, tho normally it should have only taken 2 wks (the holiday in the middle didn't help much). We also had a downsizing in workforce, so the team was stretched thin. Everyone was putting in the extra effort.  My days were long, pushing close to 11 hr days consistently (tack on the 2 hrs of commute time on top). It kept my mind off Sammy for sure.  I was exhausted, but I worked hard every day. The holidays were a nice change in pace.  The team found out that a huge 50-hr test was supposed to be run by us rather than another contractor. We scrambled again to create teams to tackle the 50 hrs in different shifts. I volunteered for the night shift since I had no family obligations.  For those days/shifts, I fully directed all testing and made the important decisions.  I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING. But dangit, I did it to the best of my ability.
  • December - Testing for the project was completed. Now data analysis, which isn't so bad except it's been a long time since I last did any (beginning of the year during some down-time, for practice).  I've been chosen as Test Director for another project. At least I'm moving up in the world! But the politics of work are getting to me. My best friend said that with my job history I could potentially get jobs at Google/Apple (my dream jobs?) and that she knew a recruiter from Google. Sadly the recruiter never contacted me back. That didn't stop me. I applied to Google, and I got a letter from a recruiter but the phone discussion never happened.  I don't know if it will. I also applied (on a whim) to a job posted on craigslist, closer to home. I had a phone discussion that went well, I think. The interview is scheduled for next year. I'm slightly excited for this. Even if I don't get this position, I'll continue to apply to various places. 

The Social Life -- Even I have one sometimes.

  • Winter (Jan / Feb) - Wow, I can't think of what I may have done during this time!? I may have hung out with Ezra once during this time.
  • March - I went to Germany to my sister's friend's wedding. Didn't go alone. Went with my sister's best friend and her younger sister (Jen and Carly). I should really say that they are also my buddies, but really, they are my sister's friends first and foremost. It was a weekend whirlwind trip which was very very exciting.  TBH it was perfect for me, since I wanted to see the mountains and a picturesque scenery (with lake and snow capped mountain). I found it at Neuschwanstein Castle in southern Germany. We visited Nuremberg, where we stayed, Munich, and Dachau Concentration Camp.  I was the rock in the group, calming the frayed nerves of the two sisters who ended up causing each other anxiety.  Nothing like being a peacemaker. The wedding was a gorgeous one held in a castle and beautiful church. The ceremony, the reception, everything was simply perfect. Definitely a superb trip!
  • Spring (Apr / May) - Sad that nothing really pops out in my mind.
  • Summer (Jun - Aug) - My best friend came to visit in July. I took her out on a "date." I called it a "trial date" because at the time, if Sammy were to visit, I'd want to do this as a real 1st date with her. What was that date?  Going to a local lake for a canoe ride (ended up rowboat since my best friend was afraid of boats lol) and then go go-karting at this awesome place. Overall it was an awesome time, and we had a lot of fun!  I also hung out with my car buddy and his fiancee and new little pup.
  • September - Well, I visited Sammy, and the weekend after my best friend came to visit again.  I told her everything, and I'm pretty sure I was still glowing at the time. All was still well in my world. My best friend and I went go-karting again. She needed redemption for her paltry performance on her first attempt. 
  • October - Participated in the local city's Restaurant Week! Went with Jen and Carly and friends to Fogo de Chao, a Brazilian churasco/BBQ place. THAT was delicious! Then there was also a small street fair where I got to walk around and pet other people's dogs a lot and not pay attention to the actual art and craft things on display. After that, hung out with my car buddy and his now-wife (they got married) and got to see beautiful pics of Ireland from their honeymoon. Of course soon after was the Halloween party where I dressed up as a creepy ex-tennis player where my catch phrase was "Hey there, wanna play with my balls?" (with 2 tennis balls).  During this time, Carly, the younger sister, was having some mental health issues so I was kind of on standby for her. I'd spend days at her house, just to make sure she wasn't lonely. It helped me as well because of the stuff happening with Sammy at the time. It was good for me to get out of the house as well. In a way it helped me stop crying as much for my drives to/from work and come to terms with this "I need space" business.  And then Hurricane Sandy (FrankenSandy as I refer to her as) happened. I was with Carly at the time, and good thing too. She was a bundle of anxiety during that time.  We walked around her apt building, going to the penthouse and checking out how bad the storm was, seeing transformers blow on towers (and causing the sky to light up green), and watching for any leaks in the ceiling.
  • November - Went with Jen and Carly to a small "hipster" like town with their friend for some walking around. Ventured into this  church-turned-restaurant that featured creole cooking and my goodness was that delicious!  Thanksgiving came around and my sister was back in town for the while. Things were kept low key for my family. 
  • December - Ahh, when things are going somewhat well for my year, why does December let me down so much? All my plans have continually fallen through. I invited one of my coworkers over to watch some Lord of the Rings, and twice she called to say no kind of last moment. To be fair, she lives about an hr away at least.  Plans to watch The Hobbit with Carly also fell thru when she found out she had class. I still went on my own though. And it was AMAZING in 3D HFR! So realistic!! So crisp and beautiful!!!!  I also wanted to do a trip with maybe Jen and Carly to VT but those plans fell flat on their face. So instead I'm going to work since I guess I'd rather be working than using my vacation days to just sit at home and sulk.  And of course, no plans for NYE either. Except the usual family thing.  Just once, I'd like to be able to spend it with a special someone. Ah well.

The .... Life -- In general. Everything else I missed.

  • Winter and Spring (Jan - Apr) - Really, nothing to report here that I haven't mentioned above. I had started going back to Muay Thai classes, aiming for 1x a wk. (By the end of last year, I had stopped going almost completely.)  By mid-March, because of the Germany trip, I stopped going again.  Back in December, Smoochie, the black cat, was diagnosed with pancreatic enzyme deficiency. Means his pancreas couldn't create the enzyme needed to breakdown food. He had lost something like 5 lbs in 3 months with untreatable diarrhea. A random and off-chance blood screen for this problem proved that he had this. So for the rest of his life he has to take some pancrease with his food.
  • May - I ended up quitting Muay Thai. Although I loved the discipline and the coaches and staff, I couldn't afford it. The reason being was that I started seeing a therapist and couldn't really afford both. For all my issues. Muay Thai wasn't solving my problems the way I wanted it to. I wanted to be more socially active, and I wanted to sort things out about myself.  A while ago Ezra had mentioned the city's LGBT center with therapists, so I decided that it was something I needed to do. Except that center was so overbooked until June or July that I had to find another therapist. Good thing too because the one I found was amazing and very local.  I started seeing her weekly, talking to her about any and all issues, issues that I thought weren't major that ended up being significantly major in my life. Finally come to terms about my gender dysphoria and sexuality.  She casually pushes me to seek more friends / make new friends.
  • Summer (Jun - Sept) - My one cat, Smoochie, had started gaining back the weight he lost, but then suddenly he started dropping weight again. He didn't want to eat as much as before, and he didn't have diarrhea. He became lethargic and listless. I took him to the vet and since the blood work was negative, got an ultrasound done on his abdomen. His liver and lymph nodes were inflamed. Smoochie most likely has lymphoma. Now Smoochie is my sister's cat so she was in a huge fit about this since she missed him dearly.  My sister flew home to be with Smoochie and, if needed, put him down if he was suffering. We put him on some Prednizone (a steroid) to increase his appetite and give him some pep. It worked instantaneously and he regained his appetite. We opted not to do a biopsy to confirm/negate the potential for him having lymphoma. For what? He would be dead within 6 months of any treatment regardless.  My vet calmed my sister down from her panicked hysteria of potentially having to put Smoochie down, saying that if the Prednizone works and his quality of life can remain above normal, it'd be OK to keep him on the medicine. She agreed.  In the meantime, therapy sessions are going well. Therapist wants me to be more active, since activity helps release endorphins and will keep me from diving into depression. 
  • October - Therapist is well versed in what's been going on with Sammy and myself. Totally understands how I feel, tho at the beginning she also agreed to give Sammy the space she wanted.  Didn't really understand that I wall-up. I try my best to give Sammy the space she needs, and with the social life I was having, it was working somewhat OK. Sammy's need for space and acting iffy on relationships in general is her being younger and not really knowing what she wants.  A lot of my dreams have me running in them. Since my dreams are generally about things that I don't have in my life, I decide to get me running shoes and start running. Maybe that's what my body has been craving. So I buy my first real pair of running shoes. And I start running/walking.
  • November - I try to run/walk as often as possible. I've gotten back into Zombies, Run! mobile app, which has made things a lot more interesting for me. I've completed season 1 and can't wait for season 2!  My best time has been around a 15 min mile. Yes, I am not a runner. But I'd like to get a 12 min mile in eventually.  I really want to move. My car is taking a beating with the drive to/from work. I've been getting up earlier everyday so I can drive thru the city with less traffic and only a 45min commute. The drive home is still unbearable.
  • December - Got the Zombies 5k mobile app, which is the couch to 5k program featuring the folks from Zombies, Run! I've completed week 1, but admittedly have been slacking. I'm trying to walk as often as I can, even if it's every other day. Trying to keep as active as possible.  Applying to various places, and at this point, I don't care where I end up. I kind of want to live in a city, where the possibility of meeting other gay people are higher than in the suburbs.  I need more money to fix my car properly.  Or a job where I won't need a car at all.  I am ready for significant changes in ALL aspects of my life. 
Overall 2012 has been a good year, tho it's ending a bit on a sour note. But I suppose that means that 2013 will start much better and with a bang. 

Whether Sammy and I get back together, who knows. She's an amazing young lady, regardless of what happens, and I wish nothing but the best for her. I'm just going to enjoy the time I DO get to spend with her.  And whether or not I get the job for either positions I've applied for, we'll see. I'll just be honest with myself and try not to give excuses for my actions.  All I can do now is work on myself. Work on changing what I can change and taking charge of my life. I'll do my best to be more active by running/walking more often, regardless of weather or simple excuses I can hide behind. In the last days of this year I want to do my best to give myself a headstart. I know I could use one. Time to make one for myself!

Note to self: Give yourself props for going for a run/walk today. Even if you bellyflopped the pavement.
Note to future self: I've lost some weight at this point in life. Have you continued this trend?

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